Navigating the early stages of motherhood often involves seeking connection and support from other parents. Many new mums join groups with the hope of finding a ‘village’ – a network of understanding individuals who share similar experiences. However, not all mum groups foster a healthy environment. Understanding the signs of a toxic mum group is crucial for protecting your mental well-being and finding the genuine support you deserve. These groups, intended to be a lifeline, can sometimes become sources of stress, anxiety, and self-doubt. Recognizing these red flags early can empower you to make healthier choices for yourself and your family.
The experience of encountering a toxic mum group is surprisingly common, even among public figures. Singer and actress Ashley French, formerly Tisdale, recently shared her journey of leaving a ‘toxic’ mum friendship group, a story that resonated deeply with mothers worldwide. Her widely circulated article highlighted the emotional toll such dynamics can take, emphasizing the importance of standing up for oneself when a supposed support system turns detrimental. This candid account brought to light the silent struggles many mothers face within these social circles.
What is a toxic mum group? A toxic mum group is a social circle among mothers where members experience judgment, exclusion, passive aggression, or emotional draining. Instead of fostering support, these groups can lead to feelings of anxiety and diminished self-worth, often recreating high school dynamics among adults. Recognizing these characteristics is the first step towards seeking healthier connections.
Dr. Joy Conlon, a registered psychotherapist, explains that this phenomenon is particularly prevalent among first-time mums who are often in ‘survival mode.’ The identity shift that comes with motherhood, coupled with a lack of external validation, makes connection feel essential. While mum groups often start with an idealised vision of support, they can unfortunately devolve into environments that undermine confidence rather than build it up. This vulnerability makes new mothers susceptible to unhealthy group dynamics, making it vital to understand the signs of a toxic mum group.
One of the primary signs of a toxic mum group is the anxiety it induces. Our emotions often signal toxicity before overt behaviors manifest. If you find yourself feeling anxious when a message arrives in the group chat, or experiencing dread before opening it, this is a significant red flag. A truly supportive group should leave you feeling uplifted and more confident, not smaller, more anxious, or questioning your worth. Pay close attention to these internal emotional responses.
Another clear indicator that a group has become toxic is a lack of psychological safety. Do you feel judged, or find yourself editing your thoughts and words before sharing them, constantly worrying about how they might be received? If you cannot be your authentic self within the group, it signals that the space no longer feels safe. This self-censorship is a powerful sign that the environment is detrimental to your well-being, moving away from the ideal of healthy mum groups vs toxic ones.
Passive-aggressive behavior is a subtle yet damaging sign of toxicity. This can manifest in quiet ways, such as certain parenting choices being overtly praised while your contributions are ignored or subtly criticized. Observing who gets responses and who doesn’t, or noticing veiled jabs, can erode your confidence over time. These dynamics often mimic schoolyard cliques, where subtle power plays diminish the sense of community and foster an environment of comparison rather than genuine connection among new mothers.
After spending time with a mum group, honestly assess how you feel. Do you leave feeling drained, or uplifted? Do you feel better about yourself, or are you left questioning your choices and identity as a mother? True, healthy friendships should provide a non-judgmental, supportive space where you can openly share struggles and successes. If interactions consistently deplete your energy rather than replenish it, it’s a strong indication of a toxic dynamic that needs to be addressed for your overall mental health.
Finally, a common sentiment among those in toxic groups is feeling like they are ‘back at school.’ This can involve dominant personalities who dictate conversations, followers who seek to fit in, and exclusionary behaviors like finding out about meet-ups you weren’t invited to. A consistent sense of toxic comparison, where some members project an image of perfection that makes others feel inadequate, is also a key indicator. Remember, a loud voice doesn’t equate to correctness or superiority; empty vessels often make the most noise. Understanding these toxic mum group signs explained can help you navigate these complex social interactions.
If you recognize these signs of a toxic mum group, remember that you have options. Consider reaching out to individual members who seem more on your wavelength for one-to-one conversations, prioritizing those who genuinely make you feel safe and heard. For group chats, muting notifications or turning off read receipts can reduce pressure. And if a group consistently makes you feel unsafe or unwelcome, giving yourself permission to quietly leave is a powerful act of self-care. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, especially when your well-being is at stake. Finding your true village, whether through online mum groups vs in-person community sessions, is essential for a supportive motherhood journey.
Seeking validation from other avenues, such as trusted family members, friends, doctors, or therapists, can also provide crucial support that a toxic group cannot. Reading parenting books or attending local in-person community groups can offer richer relationships and a sense of belonging. The journey of motherhood is challenging enough without the added burden of negative social dynamics. Being aware of the signs of a toxic mum group empowers you to seek out environments that truly uplift and support you, ensuring you find the genuine connection every mother deserves.
