A complex personal dilemma involving a married lover’s manipulative demands has emerged from the “Just Jane” agony aunt column, published by the Daily Star. A reader has sought urgent counsel regarding her lover’s insistence on a clandestine New Year’s Day encounter at her home, despite her plans to host friends and family following an annual New Year’s Eve celebration. This situation reportedly places the reader under immense emotional pressure, as the lover explicitly frames the requested rendezvous as a crucial test to “prove her love and commitment” – a prerequisite, he claims, for his long-discussed intention to leave his wife and family by March.
The married partner’s proposal involves a deceptive alibi, stating he would tell his wife he was going for a bike ride to facilitate the secret visit. He justified the demand by emphasising the importance of a “physical and spiritual connection” to commence the new year. The reader expressed profound anxiety over the logistical nightmare of explaining a “strange man” arriving and retreating to a private bedroom while guests are present, underscoring the precarious and secret nature of their relationship. The lover’s ultimatum, tying the New Year’s encounter directly to a conditional future together, highlights a pattern of emotional manipulation designed to control the reader’s actions and loyalty.
In her professional response, Jane O’Gorman offered a direct and firm rebuttal to the lover’s demands, advising the reader unequivocally that she has no obligation to “prove anything.” O’Gorman interpreted the lover’s behaviour as a calculated attempt to exert control and potentially inflict embarrassment upon the reader. Her counsel centred on establishing clear boundaries, urging the reader to insist that the lover dedicate his attention to his own family during the festive period, while she, in turn, focuses on her personal commitments and guests. O’Gorman stressed the importance of taking a resolute stance, leaving the lover in no doubt that she would not tolerate being “put to the test.”
The agony aunt further dissected the underlying dynamics of the relationship, describing the lover’s attitude as “arrogant” and fundamentally flawed. She challenged the premise of their connection, suggesting that if “grubby sex” was the primary “glue holding them together,” the reader urgently needed to reassess her self-worth and the true value of the relationship. O’Gorman encouraged the reader to contemplate the prospect of achieving equally satisfying, if not superior, intimacy with a partner who is single and genuinely available. She identified the lover’s actions as potentially stemming from a desire to derive gratification from “pulling strings and making outrageous demands,” cautioning the reader against allowing him to undermine her emotional well-being.
Beyond this primary relationship quandary, the column also addressed another reader’s poignant reflection on “wasted years” within a previous marriage. This individual articulated her current joy in a new, sexually fulfilling partnership, describing her new partner as “imaginative and fun,” and delighting in novel experiences, including sex toys and role-playing. Despite her current contentment, she confessed to lingering bitterness over her ex-husband’s perceived lack of imagination and laziness in the bedroom, questioning why he had not made a greater effort during their time together and whether his new partner was now receiving a superior version of him.
Responding to this sentiment, O’Gorman offered a nuanced perspective, suggesting that the absence of sexual chemistry might have been a factor in the previous marriage, positing that perhaps the couple simply “didn’t ‘click’ between the covers.” She underscored that “it takes two to tango,” subtly implying that the reader might have also played a more proactive role. O’Gorman firmly advised against succumbing to bitterness or recriminations, advocating for acceptance of her ex-husband’s offer of friendship. Her core message was to embrace the present and future, highlighting the importance of appreciating the current sexual attention and emotional fulfillment she now experiences, and to actively work towards keeping her new relationship vibrant and interesting.
A third distinct personal challenge presented to the column involved a reader’s confession of preferring her father’s new partner over her biological mother. The reader characterised her mother as a “notoriously downbeat, glass half-empty” individual, particularly during the festive season, who habitually sought out the negative in any situation. In stark contrast, she described her new “step mum” as “energetic and fun,” fostering a relationship akin to sisters. This secret bond, however, was a source of considerable internal conflict and guilt for the reader, who feared her mother’s “furious” reaction if the truth were ever revealed, leaving her feeling deeply torn between the two significant women in her life.
Jane O’Gorman provided reassuring guidance, affirming that there is ample “room in your life – and your heart – for both women.” She validated the reader’s right to honesty and encouraged her to embrace the person her father now “adores,” clarifying that she does not need to justify her feelings. While acknowledging that feeling torn is a natural response, O’Gorman empowered the reader, as a “fully grown woman,” to make her own decisions without succumbing to guilt or the need for secrecy. She also thoughtfully suggested that if the mother is indeed a “complex individual,” she might benefit from professional counselling, urging the reader to strive for understanding and support for her mother where possible.
